After an extended sabbatical from The Columnist – due to a number of extraneous variables including work, pregnancy & getting married,I thought it was about time I dust off the blogging cobwebs.
I do fear however, that random as previous content has been on my various musings throughout The Columnist, that perhaps, current situations may influence the direction of my thoughts. Not that I have any intention of creating yet another ‘Mummy Blog’, but seeing as the sudden onset of pregnancy has become pretty all consuming in most areas of life, I don’t think it can be avoided. So I may as well just hit you with what I’ve learned about it so far. Starting from the beginning.
You may have read that in recent months, I had debunked the ‘biological clock’ as a myth. As that’s what I thought it was. Not that I had never felt maternal instincts or that I didn’t want to become a mum, I just very much believed in the fact that I had a choice whether to or not. And to a certain degree, I do still believe that. However. I did start to feel an internal pull that was clearly taking me (metaphorically speaking) in the direction of motherhood. It was something that I had to admit I really wanted to do, and if I chose to ignore that, I worried I might regret it in the future.
As a 30 year old woman, I’m sure this is all pretty normal, but then there’s the question of whether you can have kids. I found it impossible to ignore the continuous and repeated fertility articles on the news, websites and magazines that scaremonger you in to thinking that if you wait until you are in your thirties to start a family, you may be leaving it too late. It’s a scary thought and one that I found myself becoming slightly obsessed with. Still sticking with my belief that I’d have children when I was ready to, was slowly slipping away. It seemed this theory was only relevant if I happened to make that decision pre – 35. That’s basically stamping an expiry date on my uterus! So consumed was I becoming that I had almost resigned myself to the fact that I may never, ever conceive. So when a surprise (and I mean SURPRISE) pregnancy revealed that we were in fact expecting, it was a strange mix of emotions.
Secretly, I was very excited. But that was hidden in a tiny little box underneath the mass of fear, anxiety and the control freak part of me that thought ‘wait a minute – I didn’t plan this!’. As a planner, an avid organiser, I presumed, much like everything else in my life, that when it comes to family, I’d have it all prepared. I’d have read the books, I’d have started taking the supplements, I’d be eating right, would have stopped drinking (to excess at least). It would be my choice and it would happen as I planned it to. Well, what a lesson this has been. Not just in terms of pregnancy and the copious amounts of information (there is as much scary as there is fun) that you have to digest, but as a life lesson. To learn to go with the flow, loosen the reins and appreciate that fate has decided that now is the right time. And to be honest, I couldn’t be happier. When something this big happens, and it is life changing, then you have to just accept it. There’s no room for doubting your decision (which I ALWAYS do) because I didn’t make it. In a way, it’s liberating and seeing as it’s happening a couple of years earlier than we thought, I’m choosing to see it as us just being a little ahead of schedule. Efficient really. 🙂